Journal of Our Meditation Retreat at Auschwitz-Birkenau (Auschwitz I and II)
Faith Halter & Ralph Hammelbacher
June, 2010

The immediate origins of our decision to join a Buddhist meditation retreat at the Auschwitz-Birkenau death camps lay:

After our return from London, Faith's friend Jill reminded her of a Buddhist organization that leads an annual retreat at Auschwitz. Faith had forgotten all about this; it was many years since she had told Jill about the book that describes the first of these retreats, Bearing Witness by Bernie Glassman. Six months after Jill's reminder, in early June, Ralph and Faith were in Poland to participate in this year’s Bearing Witness retreat for five nights.

We decided to create this photo-journal to mark in own minds and hearts some of the intensity of this experience, and also as a way to share with our families and friends some small insight into our indescribable experience.

We want to acknowledge our gratitude to the Zen Peacemakers organization that arranges these retreats. 160 people attended this year! We did not join most group activities after the first day because we realized that we needed to carry out our pilgrimage in private, but the group still provided a valuable structure and support community. It also provided special access to some of the sites that was invaluable.


This is the cover of Roman's memoir. We highly recommend it. It is beautifully and clearly written and extremely moving.

 

This is the infamous entry gate to Auschwitz I, the first death camp built by the Nazis, a few kilometers from the small town of Oswiecim. They chose this location because of its proximity to multiple railway lines.

The words arching over the entrance are German: Arbeit Macht Frei. They mean, "Work Will Make You Free."

The photo on the left shows how it looks today.

 

As you can see from the Nazi-era image on the right, the entrance has hardly changed. Look at the man standing by the gate on the left in the old photo; it will help you see that the entryway is not so big, especially when you think of the countless numbers of Nazi victims who passed through.

In this image, note the white building just behind the tree without leaves – perhaps the very same tree in full leaf in our previous photo.

 

Here you are looking from the opposite side of the entry road at the same white building. In that small area beside the building, is where the Jewish prison orchestra played marches every morning and night as the prisoners doing slave labor had to keep time as they departed in the early morning and returned many hours later.

 

You are looking down one of the "streets" of Auschwitz I. Notice that the buildings are all intact. It could be a neighborhood almost anywhere, if not for the barbed wire and the guardhouse at the end of the street.

 

The next few images take you closer and closer in to what it would have been like to be living in that evil place that looks so superficially normal from a distance.

Auschwitz is known primarily as the place where the Nazis "perfected" their aspiration to create an efficient factory for murdering people. However, in Auschwitz as everywhere else, they also conducted more formal executions by other means, designed to intimidate and terrorize the slave laborers -- those who were not immediately sent to the gas chambers upon arrival.

This photo shows the gallows that could accommodate multiple hangings.

The  photo to the right shows the execution wall where prisoners were lined up and shot.

Now you are looking inside the gas chamber. If you look near the top center, you can faintly see the square opening in the ceiling (now covered by wood), one of two where they dropped in the Zyklon B gas that killed by suffocation.

Our group had special permission to move behind the barrier. We were told that 300 people were routinely squeezed into this gas chamber. All 160 of us moved as close together as we could into the center. This did not begin to approximate the conditions of an actual execution, but it gave us a tiny glimpse of how it might have felt at the onset.

A door on the left side of the gas chamber opened to the crematorium. Just a few steps to shift the victims' bodies into the furnaces. The bodies were placed on the metal carts on the left, which rolled on tracks (see foreground), right into the furnaces. Faith was particularly struck by how narrow were the trays that held the corpses. She thought about how easily they would have accommodated the emaciated bodies of people who had already been starving for weeks, months or years.

 

This special gallows stands just outside the gas chamber. This is where the camp commandant, Rudolf Hoess, was hung after the Nuremberg trials.

 

This is our last photo from Auschwitz I. After the war, many of the former barracks were "adopted" by different governments that wanted to establish small commemorative museums. This is a room from the Belgian Government exhibit. Each blown-up photo shows one or two people from a specific transport to the death camp, with the dates of deportation and extermination at the top. At the bottom, the second number from the left shows how many were in that particular transport. The number at the far bottom right shows how many survived; in many cases, that number is zero.


 

Auschwitz I was used primarily to murder Polish political prisoners and others victimized by the Nazis relatively early in the war. As the Nazis' mass extermination plans exploded in magnitude, their needs quickly outgrew the camp’s capacity. (You can walk from one end of the camp to the other in less than ten minutes.)

Their solution was to build an enormous new camp about 3 kilometers away -- Auschwitz II, also called Birkenau. Birkenau was built so that a railway line ran directly into the camp itself, conveniently depositing the cattle cars full of victims near four large gas chambers/crematoria. Birkenau extends some 430 acres.

The track could easily accommodate a train with 35 cattle cars, the number in the transport that carried Faith's cousin Roman and others from the liquidated Lodz ghetto to Auschwitz.

This first photo from Birkenau shows the tracks with switching points, which facilitated trains arriving and departing around the clock. The pathway on the left where visitors are walking is where the cars were emptied and the "selections" took place. This is where Dr. Mengele and his staff quickly scanned the new arrivals who had not died en route, pointing one way for those being sent directly to the gas chamber and another way for the relatively few deemed sufficiently fit to serve as slave labor.
 

Here we are looking back down the track, towards the entrance to Birkenau. Under the watchtower is the rail entrance, and to the right is the entrance for people and other vehicles.  The train sitting on the track is a restored smaller-size car that was used for transporting Hungarian Jews late in the war.

 

The next two photos show chaotic scenes of victims being unloaded and lined up for "selection." You can see the modern-day site to the side of the display photos.





This is a shot from the watchtower built over the rail entrance. You can see that some barracks remain intact today. However, for most of the site, which extends far out ahead, left and right, nothing remains of the barracks except the chimneys.

On the other hand, most of the barbed wire -- which was all electrified at the time -- is still intact. Birkenau was enormous; it was divided into sub-camps delineated by paths lined by barbed wire and steep V-shaped ditches, which remain. There are also steep V-shaped ditches on either side of the rail tracks.
 

A peace plaza built after the war lies a short distance beyond the end of the rail tracks. This is a memorial ceremony being conducted by an Israeli security force that laid a wreath on behalf of the Office of the President of Israel.

 

Initially there were two crematoria at Birkenau, one on each side of the end of the tracks. These were numbers 2 and 3 (number 1 was the Auschwitz I crematorium). The Nazis later added two more crematoria at Birkenau, for a total of five at the Auschwitz-Birkenau camps.

As the Allied forces drew near at the end of the war, the SS blew up three of the four crematoria at Birkenau, in a ludicrous attempt to destroy the evidence of their war crimes. The fourth had been blown up shortly before by Jewish prisoners, a revolt that raised spirits throughout the camp but also resulted in severe reprisals and eventual capture and death of those who carried out the revolt. One woman, who smuggled explosives from her job as a slave laborer, was hung before all the inmates at Auschwitz I in a scene that is recounted in many of the books written by camp survivors.

In this image, we are looking at the remains of the steps down which prisoners were herded into the gas chamber of Birkenau crematorium #2.

 

Here we are looking from the back of crematorium #4, the one blown up by Jewish prisoners, towards the "bathhouse" or "sauna." This is the building where transportees destined for slave labor were deprived of all their clothes and any remaining belongings, disinfected, shaved, tattooed, and given ill-fitting, flimsy striped prison garb.

 

Birkenau, besides being the main death camp, was also a major transit station for moving around prisoners, especially towards the end of the war when the Nazis began shifting concentration camp populations as the Allied forces advanced. Some of the people who passed through the "bathhouse" ended up at other camps. This was the experience of Roman, who spent ten days in "quarantine" at Auschwitz before being sent on to the Stutthof concentration camp (where it was a relief to find "only" one crematorium), and then later to slave labor in Dresden, shortly before the city was firebombed.

It was standard practice to "quarantine" new arrivals selected for slave labor. They were confined for about two weeks to barracks run by the most sadistic guards in the camp, for the express purpose of breaking their spirits and indoctrinating them to obey all rules and procedures. Anyone who became sick or otherwise broke down under the virtually constant brutality and torture was sent to the "infirmary." Few returned from the "quarantine infirmary." Most were sent to the gas chamber.

Just beyond the remains of crematorium #4 lie three ponds. These were ash pits for disposal of what remained after burning the bodies of those who were gassed or were killed by other means (hanging, shooting, beating, starvation, illness, medical experiments, work injuries, etc.). There was also an open area nearby for burning additional bodies at times when the crematoria were already operating at full capacity.

This is a photo of the largest of the ponds that were formerly ash pits. Such deceptive beauty.

This pond/ash pit is one of many, many places all around Birkenau where we said Kaddish, the Jewish prayer of mourning for the dead. This is how we spent most of our time at Birkenau on our own, after the first day of touring both camps with our group.

We said Kaddish dozens and dozens of times, for family members, for friends and their families, for all the souls known and unknown of those who suffered persecution and, in most cases, extermination. Each time we recited Kaddish for a specific person, we first spoke to that person as if he or she were present, sharing whatever memories, stories or background information we had.

The Kaddish prays that "the Great Name whose Desire gave birth to the Universe . . . [will] rule your life and your day and all lives of our World." It ends with a wish for peace. (This quote is from the English translation used by the Zen Peacemakers. The group also recited translations in Polish and German.)

The next three photos are of a barrack where Faith and Ralph received permission to spend the entire night alone. This was an offshoot of the special practices and access of the Zen Peacemakers group. During each retreat, they spend part of one evening holding a vigil for the dead in one of the barracks. We made special arrangements to stay by ourselves in a barrack near where the main group met.

We spent the night in one of the original barracks, which were built to hold 52 horses each. Instead, they were converted to housing for prisoners, with tiered bunk beds crammed together. Four to eight prisoners typically shared a single tier of each bunk, living in unimaginably horrible conditions. Sanitation was essentially non-existent and all sorts of infestations, infections and diseases were rampant.

Our vigil began at 7:00 p.m. We sat behind the barracks while the sun set and there was still enough light to read. We took turns reading from the section of Roman’s book that describes his experiences from the time when the Nazis liquidated the ghetto in Lodz, Poland where he, his parents, grandfather and a few other family members lived in dire circumstances for years, up through the time when he was imprisoned at Auschwitz. Roman's father, grandfather and nephew died in the ghetto. His remaining close family members were subsequently murdered in concentration camps.

As it became dark, we moved inside. We sat for a long time, feeling the energy of the space and waiting for it to become more quiet as the majority of our group left in two shifts, at 9:00 and midnight.

It was pitch black inside. As we focused on the space, we both began to feel more strongly the evil of this terrible place, and the unimaginable suffering that happened there over several years. We discussed whether we were simply projecting onto our experience what we already knew, but both of us felt strongly that our feelings were real.

This was confirmed when we reached beyond the chains cutting off access to the main part of the barrack and touched the three-tiered bunk beds. The feelings of awfulness became incredibly magnified, more than words can explain. It was terrifying, especially for Faith, who felt as if she really were a prisoner in the camp. This sense was intensified by the constant coming and going of nearby trains all through the night, with us imagining that each one was bringing another transport.

It felt like we were truly in Hell. We followed our meditation practices of following our breath, tracing sensations in our bodies, feeling the ground beneath us, doing our best to stay present to our experience and being a support to each other (mostly Ralph supporting Faith, who was feeling much more intense fear and anguish). We spent much of the time sitting with our backs to the side of the chimney that you can see in the front of the interior.

After many hours, Faith began to feel a different kind of energy, coming from a bunk bed farther down the row beyond the chains. It carried a clear sense of determination, courage and calm. Someone passed through this awful place whose energy was so strong, powerful and positive that it left a mark that was clearly perceptible to her. This was a great comfort to both of us. It helped us to sit with calmer, more open hearts for the remaining hours till dawn.

As it slowly became light, we recited Kaddish and also Buddhist prayers for the souls of all who suffered, starting from the barrack where we were, and spreading out into larger and larger rings. After the sun was fully up, we read together some passages from Roman’s book about his will to live, and also his beloved grandfather’s favorite prayer.

This last photo of the track shows where we ended our visit to Auschwitz-Birkenau. The shadow is because we were sitting where the track first enters Birkenau, beneath the main guardhouse. We said our final Kaddishes here. Then, as we left the camp, we stood at the entrance facing outward, and recited one last Kaddish and Buddhist prayer for all people through all time who have suffered from war and brutality, along with our wishes for peace.

 

Back in Krakow, which is about 35 miles from Auschwitz-Birkenau, we took a couple of days to reflect on our experience and visit places important to local Jewish history.

This is the first synagogue of seven that were built in the Jewish district of Krakow, the Kazimierz. Notice that it was built below ground level. That was partly in obedience to a law requiring that no Jewish building be as high as any church and also to avoid appearing in any way ostentatious to the non-Jewish population. The original building (right side) was constructed in the early 15th century.

 

This is the Izaak Jakubowicz Synagogue. Its members were too poor to own Siddurs (prayer books) and so the major Hebrew prayers were painted on its walls. The Nazis painted over the prayers when they converted the synagogue to other uses, but part of the underlying script has been restored. There is a contemporary Siddur in the foreground of the photo.

Here is the 16th-century "New" Synagogue, one of a few private synagogues, built by a wealthy family. The Nazis stripped all of Krakow's synagogues of their original furnishings and they have been refurbished with materials from synagogues in outlying districts. However, the Nazis did not bother to destroy stonework, and so the carved ark in the background is original, with the decoration restored after the war.

 

Much of the restoration of the Kazimierz District occurred after the film Schindler’s List was released. Part of it was filmed here. The film generated a massive rejuvenation. Kazimierz is now a major tourist destination, with original buildings that have been carefully renovated, restaurants that sell Jewish-style food, and a Jewish bookstore (called Jarden) that organizes tours.

The Schindler factory is located a short walk from the Kazimierz, on the other side of the Wisla River. It has been converted to a museum that documents the Nazi occupation of Krakow. This is a photo of Schindler’s desk.

 

As one passes through the museum exhibits, they gradually turn to the plight of Krakow’s Jewish population as the Nazis herded them into a ghetto adjacent to the main railway station. The Nazis took great pains to design the ghetto in ways that would promote at every level a sense of hopelessness and despair. For example, the walls were shaped to resemble headstones and also to mock the shape of the tablets of the Ten Commandments. This is a photo of the only fragment of the ghetto wall that remains; it was necessary to remove the walls in order to restore the area to livability after the war.

This next photo shows the square where the early deportations from the ghetto to concentration camps occurred. The chairs are a memorial, reminders of all that was stolen from the Jewish population, including their lives and their culture. The ghetto was only a few square blocks in size. At the peak of overcrowding, approximately 16,000 people were crammed into only 320 buildings including those that appear behind the plaza.

 

Another Nazi ploy to demoralize the Jews was to break up headstones from the Jewish cemeteries and use them for street paving. The Jews who went outside the ghetto for slave labor walked each day over these broken tombstone fragments; this appears in a scene in Schindler’s List.

After the war, these desecrations were pried off the streets and the broken tombstones were used to rebuild the interior walls of the old cemetery in Kazimierz. You can see a small section of reconstructed cemetery wall in this photo. This wall is sometimes referred to as the "Wailing Wall," reminiscent of the Western ("Wailing") Wall in Jerusalem. As in Jerusalem, religious supplicants write prayers and requests on small pieces of paper and leave them in crevices.

We chose to end our visit and this photo-journal on a positive note. This photo shows Faith with Lucyna ("Lucy") Les, owner of the Jewish bookstore (Jarden), standing together outside the Krakow City Archives.

At the beginning of our trip, we had gone to the bookstore to inquire about obtaining archival information. This was because Faith’s friend David had asked her to see if she could get any information about his great-grandfather for whom he is named. David only knew that his great-grandfather was in Krakow during World War II.

Lucy immediately offered to accompany us to the Archives, since no one there speaks much English. Moreover, she did extensive computer research while we were at Auschwitz-Birkenau to track down information about David’s family.

We went to the archives well-prepared and triumphantly emerged two hours later with a receipt confirming that Faith would shortly receive a CD with copies of all the documents we requested from the Krakow city census of 1900 and 1921, and the Nazi records from the ghetto -- including David's great-grandfather's identity card with his photograph.
 

Our last photo is a poster for Krakow’s 19th Jewish Culture Festival, which took place in July 2009. (We liked the poster better than the one for this year’s 20th festival.)

One of the remarkable aspects about the resurgence of interest in Jewish culture in Krakow is that it rests almost entirely on the efforts of Gentiles, mostly Roman Catholics – including Lucy. There are virtually no younger Jews in Krakow. The only ones who have not emigrated are Holocaust survivors and some of their children.

Nevertheless, there is a vibrant, genuine interest and love for Jewish culture and knowledge, as evidenced by activities like the Jewish Culture Festival and Jewish Studies programs in local universities. In fact, our delightful tour guide in Krakow, Paulina Fiejdasz, is a filmmaker who specializes in Jewish topics.

 

This is the end of our photo-journal but of course, it is not the end of our experience. We created this less than a week after our return to help us begin to make sense of our thoughts and feelings while they were still raw and fresh.

Also, we hope that this will convey to you, our family and friends, at least a small glimpse of what that experience was like.

No amount of reading, or watching movies and documentaries, or talking with Holocaust survivors, or anything else, could prepare one adequately for the reality we encountered. You cannot understand the enormous scale of Auschwitz-Birkenau unless you see it. You can’t fully grasp (not that we could, even being there) how horrifically and efficiently they operated as factories for murdering millions of innocent people. You can’t really feel the evil and the suffering without walking the ground where it occurred.

It was a wrenching, horrible, exhausting and yet very rewarding trip. For Faith, it was an incredible chance to squarely face her deepest fears. For Ralph, it made vivid the many allusions and stories he heard, growing up with parents and grandparents who barely escaped with their lives from Germany after Kristallnacht.

We are both so grateful for having had the opportunity to do this and do it together. Our connection to Faith's cousins, Roman and Susie, amplified both the pain and the fullness of our experience.

Thank you for taking the time and effort to read this.